no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
