drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
