I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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