just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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