Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My balls are so social today.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
