Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
