the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
