Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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