babies were throwing up all over the place
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
