I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
