Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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