all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
