onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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