bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
