Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
