i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
