i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
