Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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