i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
