I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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