So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
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Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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