Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
