So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
