I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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