i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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