I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
pray to the hookup gods
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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