I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
