my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
