You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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