Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
