at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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