Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
