i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
