True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
