took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
