I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
His nipple licking is glorious
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