If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
