I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
