you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
