FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
