My brain says no but my pants say off.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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