There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
