Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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