Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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