in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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