woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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