Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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