You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My feet surprised me
Randomize
