he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
