she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
