I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
