just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
