you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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