just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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