i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
