I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
