you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
