I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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