I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
