It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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