I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
